Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You Might Also Like
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.