If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
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[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
thank god the sign was there