@shawnspree

Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.

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@DaveWeasel

The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.

@RandiLawson

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

@Lisabug74

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

@JasonLastname

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

@ChicksRule

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

@ericsshadow

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

@pleatedjeans

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

@HatfieldAnne

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea