@shawnspree

Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.

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@ch000ch

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

@better_off_dad2

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

@UncleDuke1969

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@AmishPornStar1

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

@onelongbender

My internet boyfriend doesn’t know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.

@JohnLyonTweets

That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.

@BenSasse

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

@nyquills

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

@Fred_Delicious

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”