The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
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Just bought Rosetta Stone for Starbucks.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea