Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.

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The words ‘selfie’ and ‘twerk’ have been added to the dictionary this year while ‘charm’ and ‘dignity’ have been removed.


My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi


I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.


As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying



Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte


[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.


Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence


And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?


wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea