Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.

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if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer


I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.


I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.


*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.


Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!


My internet boyfriend doesn’t know about my real life boyfriend, which makes two of them.


That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.


I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…


21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope


[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”