Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.

Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!