Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

Angel: Welcome to Heaven

Me: But… this is a Costco…

A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need

M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*

I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

San Francisco has too many rules

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

Mornin

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

🐿️

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”