Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
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Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope