Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Pringles
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.