friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
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The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive