friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
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how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You鈥檙e lucky it has seats.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it鈥檚 all gone like I鈥檓 cashing him out at a casino or something
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it鈥檚 sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I鈥檓 like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 馃槶馃槶
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
he chose this
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don鈥檛 know what I was thinking