Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.