Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.