Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

“A puppy.”

“Pick something else.”

“A different puppy.”

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

so, is there a mister shapen head

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.