Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”

ㅤ

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.

So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery