Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.