Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?

I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.

Wait.

Two. I have 2 kids.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard