Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

Me: *stressed

My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?

Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

Them: You should try keto
Me:

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.

I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.