Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.

💀💀💀💀

Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary

You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”