Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Simple

When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?

Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

“Can I speak to your manager please?”

“I AM the manager”

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

“How’s your day going?”

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t