Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous