Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

fly smarter, not harder

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.

Hell yeah 👍

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.