Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

TSA agent just said the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“Keep track of your gifts. Don’t want Santa’s elves to take your toys back to the North Pole”.

The elves wouldn’t do that. That’s not what they do.

Don’t touch me.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.