Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Her: You’re a dumpster fire

Me: So you think I’m hot??

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”

*Maniacal stare*

“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”

“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”

Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”