Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

in 3 months

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.