Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
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Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
As a snake owner, I too am concerned about the recent rash of pet disappearances.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.