Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
imagine getting destroyed like this
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!