Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Ghost costume 😂