In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
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“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Basically.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time