Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”