Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
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A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.