Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

Yup

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Hard not to take this personally

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

Good morning, Twitter x

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

Don’t frighten the programmers!

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga