Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.

I unironically love this joke.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

My husband said we should have a ‘date night’

I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

inventing words: clothing

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.