Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

Does this dress make me look cat?

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

me: correct me if I’m wrong-

the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.