Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

A dead goose is called a ghoost

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

The USS B port

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213