Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Easy enough.

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

How your email finds me

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter

I call it my Reese’s Thesis

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born