Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
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[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend