Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time

babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

I’m Sold!

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?

God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.

Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.