Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
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I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
you know what ruined my childhood? children
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone