Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
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Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I unironically love this joke.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!