Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.

It’s partly why I became a bus driver.

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

This 4th of July, please remember…

My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.