Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
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I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.