Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
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about to have the best blueberries of my life
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave