Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math