Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
You Might Also Like
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Bruh 😂
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
