Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.