Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

Saw online –

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.