Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
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Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.