Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
You Might Also Like
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Birds & Planes.
