Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”