Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”