Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

🐥🐣

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

smartest karate player in the world

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

middle school in the ’90s