Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?