Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

Doggies just call it style.

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

BOSS: why are you late?

ME:

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector