Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that