Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Worlds greatest photobomb
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.