Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.

*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend