Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

Go hard or stay average

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably