Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

Now this is how you LinkedIn

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*

The universe is so mysterious

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking