FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
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Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much