FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
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Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
You were the one.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
🐶😂
Just me?
