Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*

[3 years later]

COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.

These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.

BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….

[First date]

Him: I love murder mysteries.

Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??