Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

[first BDSM session]

Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?

Me: fwerd

Dom: No! SAFEWORD

Me: *flinching* FWERD

Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?