Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
No.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?