friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
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I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Mornin
My patience has stretch marks.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news