Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”