friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
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Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.