friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
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[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
is it too early for christmas memes
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit