Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Celery is depressing green water wafers.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number