Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

No flush

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”