Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy

This joke is 7 years old

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed

One fell off and bumped his head

Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either