Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
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No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
This is me
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.