Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

me: alexa what happens when we die

alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering

me: wait what

alexa: what

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.