Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.